@KenJennings: Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer
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@WGladstone: My 6 yr old asked me if "satire" is like a "flat tire." I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.
@tacsanitchiban: My daughter ruined her Halloween costume. Gonna wrap her in aluminum foil and send her out as a leftover.
@LindaInDisguise: Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed. Doctor: Ma'am, that's your husband. Me: And your point is...?