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i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
The asteroid..
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”