Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
You Might Also Like
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!