Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.