Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
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Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.