Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
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The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?