@ashgrash: Ok, but like, how married are you?
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@Staggfilms: Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we're a couple. Don't make this weird.
@UNTRESOR: Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
@jessokfine: [Me at job interview] And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
@KentWGraham: If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.