@ashgrash: Ok, but like, how married are you?
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@LuvPug: If there's ever an apocalypse, you'll recognize me because I'll be the zombie wearing flip flops
@david8hughes: "Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh." "Ha, yeah ok." [swaps suits] "Now we sh-" "You took a shit in this, didn't you?"
@TheHyyyype: [being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist] COP 1: give us a name ME: big bird COP 2: a real name ME: millard fillmore COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know ME: nana
@WhaJoTalkinBout: 10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby? Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it's probably to drop off.