Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
What about a To-Don’t List?
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
early stone age tool
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.