ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
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Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
it’s the silliest best thing
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.