Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
You Might Also Like
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Is this a threat?
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.