Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
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I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.