*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
You Might Also Like
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
meow
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
translated into Canadian
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?