*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
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wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Damn he played himself
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]