Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
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“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Beware of the “party goblin”…
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
This is me
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.