Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
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If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here