Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
You Might Also Like
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I’m Sold!
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Cats are still liquid.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?