You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
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Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
6: are snakes just neck?
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle