🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
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Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
mariah carrie
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I did not eat the cake…
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.