Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
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*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.