Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
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[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*