OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
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If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.