Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
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I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free