@Marcmywords2: Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you? Me: Marriage is complicated. 4: Is it because you’re stupid?
@BoobsRadley: The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.
@Ygrene: What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds? “I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly