Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
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I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Cheers Twitter.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally