ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
You Might Also Like
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.