@DanMentos: ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
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@InThaBurbs: Taking my sunglasses out of 2's hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
@topaz_kell: [getting murdered] Me: "Could you please stop for a second?" *gives murderer a Snickers
@7notyours: Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake. Dog-1 Human-0
@iwearaonesie: Such bullshit that people stop saying "You ate it all! Good job!" once you reach a certain age