@DanMentos: ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@undeadmolly: I deliberately mispronounce 'quinoa' and then adjust the server's tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
@AddledPixie: "Mommy, why does an old person's skin look so see-through?" Aw, honey, it's just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
@Faux_Ma: He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered "What makes you think this is steak?" While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
@UncleDuke1969: *taps Canadian *mumbles "Apple starts with..." "Eh?" *whispers "Your blood type?" "Eh?" *mutters "Best grade?" "Eh?" *giggles *runs away