“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back