“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
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At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
the #horror is real!
back to work
The Others (2001)
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit