OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
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Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
2 years later
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.