Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
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I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.