I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
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Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I love you…
…r dog.