“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
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Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Called it
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no