Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
You Might Also Like
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.