“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
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[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
A dead goose is called a ghoost
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
no one likes gloating
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.