“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
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I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Feels like the fourth month in January
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little