OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
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*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
@funTweeters
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
You know…for fall…
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.