OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
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[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.