Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
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I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket