ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
You know I’m something of a chef myself
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
good morning
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window