ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
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The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
A drum solo but on your face.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I need better friends
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*