Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
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Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.