Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
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“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
the greatest twitter interaction
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.