“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
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ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.