ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
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My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
The biggest mystery of our time