Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
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Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.