Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
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[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
*orders delivery*
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
*puts my mental health in rice
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair