Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
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If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
it was love at first sight
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!