@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
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if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
For the ones in the back.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
this is funnier than any friends episode
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.