My birthstone is a sushi roll.
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Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!