“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
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Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no