ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
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iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
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