her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
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Yes my dude
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain