The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
You Might Also Like
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?