Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
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When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy